Why I Stopped Asking My Kids to Be "Good"

 

 

Why I Stopped Asking My Kids to Be "Good"

 

I used to say it all the time.

"Be good, okay?"

Before dropping them off at school. Before going to a friend’s house. Even before heading into the grocery store.

It just slipped out of my mouth like a reflex. Harmless. Normal. The kind of thing every parent says. Right?

But one day, my daughter looked at me and asked, "What does 'be good' mean?"

I paused. Opened my mouth. Closed it. I didn’t really have an answer.

That question cracked something open in me. And from that moment, I began rethinking what I was really asking of my kids every time I said those two little words.

 

The Hidden Pressure Behind "Be Good"

When we tell our kids to "be good," it sounds sweet. But what does it actually mean?

Are we asking them to be polite? Obedient? Quiet? Not embarrass us?

For a child, "being good" often translates to "don’t make mistakes," "don’t feel big feelings," "don’t stand out," or even worse, "don’t be yourself if it might upset someone."

It’s vague. It’s loaded. And it puts the burden on our children to interpret something we haven’t even clearly defined.

And let’s be honest: sometimes we say it because we want them to make us look good.

Ouch.

 

What I Say Now Instead

I realized I didn’t want my kids to aim for "goodness" if that meant being small, silent, or scared to be real.

So, I changed my language. Now, before they head out the door, I say things like:

• "Be kind and brave."
• "Use your voice if something doesn’t feel right."
• "Trust your gut."
• "Have fun and be yourself."
• "Remember who you are."

These phrases are clear, empowering, and don’t rely on some vague moral expectation. They invite my kids to live with intention, not just compliance.

And you know what? They respond to it.

They stand taller.

They ask better questions.

They come home with stories that make me realize: they’re listening.

 

The Problem With "Good Kids"

We’re often praised when our kids are "so well-behaved."

But let’s ask ourselves: do we want kids who are always compliant? Or kids who know how to speak up, think critically, and act from integrity?

Because "good" can sometimes mean "quiet," "people-pleasing," or "afraid to rock the boat."

And I don’t want my kids to grow up to be people who silence their instincts just to be liked.

I want them to be kind, not just nice. Courageous, not just obedient. Compassionate, not just polite.

 

Parenting in the Gray

It would be easier if parenting came with a manual. But it doesn’t.

It’s messy. It’s full of contradictions. And it’s constantly evolving.

But I’ve learned that our words shape their worlds. Every little phrase matters. Even the ones we say out of habit.

So, if you’re reading this and thinking, "I say that too!”; You’re not alone. And you’re not a bad parent.

You’re a growing one.

 

Final Thoughts: Let’s Raise Real Humans

Our kids don’t need to be "good." They need to be whole. Seen. Guided.

They need to be taught how to make mistakes and repair. How to listen to their intuition. How to be strong and soft at the same time.

So, the next time you catch yourself saying "Be good!", pause.

Ask yourself what you really want for them in that moment. And say that instead.

Because we’re not just parenting for today.

We’re parenting for the kind of adults they’ll become.

 

 If this message speaks to you, there’s more where it came from.

Download my free guide: "7 Everyday Phrases That Build Brave, Resilient Kids"

And check out my eBook and Book:
"What You’re Really Teaching Your Kids (Without Even Knowing It)"
Available on Apple Books, Kobo and more.

Let’s change the conversation, one phrase at a time.

With heart,

Marie A. MacArthur.