I didn’t always know how important autonomy was. Like most parents, I started off trying to keep everything under control: meals, bedtime, what to wear, how to behave, what to say and not say. But somewhere along the way—probably during one of those long, exhausting days when my daughter refused to wear anything but a tutu with rain boots—I realized something important. She was trying to tell me something. Not with words, but with her choices: “Let me be me.”
And isn’t that what we all want?
That small moment became the beginning of a shift for me. It made me start asking a question that now sits at the heart of my parenting: What are they learning when I give them the space to decide? And just as importantly, what are they learning when I don’t?
We often think of decision-making as something that comes later in life, when they’re older, maybe in high school or adulthood. But in reality, it starts much earlier—far earlier than we’re often comfortable with. When we allow our kids to make small decisions early on, we’re not just making life easier (although sometimes it does help reduce tantrums); we’re planting the seeds of confidence, resilience, and responsibility.
Letting go doesn’t come naturally to many of us. I know it didn’t to me. I was raised in an environment where obedience was valued over expression, and “because I said so” was a sentence I heard often. So, the first time I gave my son the chance to choose what book we’d read before bed, or asked him if he wanted broccoli or carrots with dinner, I caught myself wanting to control the outcome. But I learned to step back—and what I saw was a child who stood a little taller, smiled a little wider, and became a little more invested in his own day.
Autonomy doesn’t mean chaos. It doesn’t mean they do whatever they want. It means creating a safe structure where their voice matters. For example, in our house, bedtime is non-negotiable. But my kids get to decide what pajamas to wear, what stuffed animal comes to bed, and what book we read. Those are their decisions. And that matters.
When kids are empowered to choose, they begin to develop trust in themselves. They start to understand the cause and effect of their actions. They become problem-solvers. And perhaps most importantly, they feel seen and respected.
There’s a moment that stays with me. My daughter was invited to a birthday party, and I was convinced she’d want to wear the sparkly dress she usually loved. But that day, she chose jeans and a hoodie. It wasn’t what I would’ve picked, but I said nothing. And at that party, she laughed, ran, climbed, and played without adjusting her outfit once. Later that night, she said, “I was comfy, Mom. I’m glad I picked it.” And I smiled. Because her comfort mattered more than my vision of how she should show up.
Fostering autonomy is not about raising kids who are independent of us. It’s about raising kids who are confident in themselves. Who knows their preferences. Who feel secure enough to speak up and kind enough to listen. It’s a daily practice, a series of small decisions that lead to something much bigger.
So now, when I’m faced with the temptation to decide for them, I pause. I breathe. I ask myself, is this a moment where they can learn who they are? If the answer is yes, I step back.
And every time I do, I see them becoming who they’re meant to be.
This article is inspired by the chapter “Fostering Autonomy: Letting Them Make Decisions” from my book, “What You’re Really Teaching Your Kids (Without Even Knowing It?)”.
Marie A. MacArthur.
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