Why Your Child Is Afraid to Try — And What You Might Have Said

Why Your Child Is Afraid to Try — And What You Might Have Said

I still remember the day my six-year-old stood frozen in front of a climbing wall. His little hands gripped the lowest rock and he just wouldn’t move. His eyes were wide, not with excitement, but with fear.

“Come on, you’ve done harder things,” I said, gently. But he didn’t move.

Later that night, he whispered to me, “Mom, what if I fall and you think I’m not brave?”

That sentence broke me a little inside.

And it made me think: how many times have I unknowingly planted a seed of fear in my children’s hearts, just with an offhand comment or a moment of frustration?

 

The Silent Messages We Don’t Even Realize We’re Sending

Most of us don’t mean to hold our kids back. In fact, we’re doing everything we can to push them forward. But here’s the truth:

Sometimes, the fear our children carry… started with our words.

Not on purpose. Never to hurt them. But maybe you’ve said things like:

• “That’s too hard for you right now.”
• “You’re not ready yet.”
• “Let me do it, you’ll just make a mess.”
• “You’re going to fall if you try that.”
• “We can’t afford to break another one.”

Even when said lovingly or protectively, these phrases can create a powerful script in your child’s mind:
"I shouldn’t take risks. Mistakes are bad. I’m not capable."

And the sad part is—they start believing it long before they can argue back.

 

The Fear of Failing Starts at Home

Think about how children learn: by trying, failing, and trying again. But if they get used to hearing “don’t mess it up”, or “that’s too expensive to risk breaking”, or even “you’re not good at that”—they stop experimenting. They stop learning.

They start choosing safety over growth.

They'd rather not try at all than try and disappoint you.

That’s how we accidentally raise kids who are afraid to try. Not because they’re weak or lazy… but because they love us so deeply, they’d rather protect our approval than chase their own growth.

 

What I Started Saying Instead

After that climbing wall moment, I made a quiet decision: I was going to change the narrative I was feeding my kids.

I started saying:

• “Trying something new is brave, even if you’re scared.”
• “Mistakes help your brain grow stronger.”
• “You don’t have to be perfect—you just have to start.”
• “If it breaks, we’ll figure it out. You’re worth more than the stuff around you.”
• “I’ll be proud of you no matter what the result is.”

And you know what? The shift was almost instant.

They started trying more. Taking creative risks. Speaking up. Making beautiful messes and laughing louder than they had in weeks. They weren’t fearless—but they weren’t frozen anymore.

 

How to Rebuild Confidence in a Child Who’s Hesitant

If you suspect your child has absorbed some hidden messages that made them fear trying, here’s a starting point:

1. Apologize for What You Didn’t Know

Yes, really. Say something like:
“I think I may have said things that made you feel nervous to try. I’m learning too, and I want you to know it’s okay to make mistakes.”

Just acknowledging this can be healing for them—and freeing for you.

2. Reframe Fear as a Normal Emotion

Normalize fear:
“It makes total sense to feel scared when you try something new. That means you're about to grow.”

3. Praise the Process, Not Just the Outcome

Instead of “You’re so smart,” say:

• “You worked so hard on that.”
• “I love how you didn’t give up.”

This builds resilience, not perfectionism.

4. Create a “Brave Jar”

Every time your child tries something that feels hard or scary, add a marble or a sticker to the jar.
Celebrate the effort—not the result.

 

Final Thoughts: They’re Always Listening, Even to the Quiet Messages

Your child hears more than your words. They hear your tone, your sighs, your silences, your praise, your worry. They watch your eyes when they mess up. They read your face when they ask a question.

So yes—your words matter. But so does your energy.

Make it safe for them to try. To stumble. To say “I’m scared, but I’ll try anyway.”

That’s not just how confidence is born—it’s how courage is nurtured.

 

If this resonated with you, check out my book:

 “What You’re Really Teaching Your Kids (Without Even Knowing It)” – available on: https://books2read.com/u/47yn28

Let’s raise brave kids, together.

Marie A. MacArthur